addicted to porn Pornography flows freely into = homes, thanks=20 to the Internet. But is it breaking the bonds between men and = women?

Sunday, April 30, 2006

By PATTI BRANDT

TIMES WRITER=20

''Lou,'' broke off a five-year relationship with a man who was = addicted=20 to pornography and two years later she is still feeling the = effects.

''Ann,'' has been divorced for more than a year and blames the = break-up=20 of her 17-year marriage on her ex-spouse's addiction to porn.

''Dirty, degraded, hurt and stupid'' are the feelings Lou, 56, = says she=20 is left with.

Ann, 62, says she only feels anger and hatred.

Both women, of Bay City, opted not to use their real names for = this=20 story.

Pornography addiction may be the latest malady for those living = in the=20 Information Age.

By some counts, the porn industry offers more than 4 million = sites on=20 the Internet, generating $12 billion in annual commerce in the = United=20 States alone.

A tracking firm, comScore Media Metrix, says about 40 percent = of=20 Internet users in the United States visit adult sites each month. =

And as with other addictions, the shame, guilt and pain may be = just as=20 great for the person in a relationship with the porn addict as it = is for=20 the addict.

Robert J. Kohn, of B-K Consultants Inc., 1300 S. Grant St., is = a=20 certified social worker who's treated plenty of porn addicts in = his=20 profession as a counselor.

Kohn has also seen the flip side of the coin - the nonaddicted = partner,=20 who may have all the signs of the classic co-dependent - guilt, = shame, low=20 self-esteem and low self-worth.

The nonaddicted partner may feel responsible for the break-up = if the=20 relationship ends because they couldn't meet the addict's = expectations.=20

They may feel demoralized because they can't compete with the=20 glossed-over porn images and porn stars who've been surgically = enhanced,=20 liposuctioned or photo-altered.

And though they are not addicted themselves, they can become = just as=20 sick as the addict, Kohn said, in addition to being confused, = frustrated=20 and angry.

''The women think, 'What is it about me?' and it's not about = them,''=20 Kohn said. ''They think, 'What can I do?' and there is no = answer.''

For Lou the shame is still so intense that she has never talked = about=20 it until now. She never even told her two adult children why she = ended the=20 relationship.

''I didn't know what they'd think of me,'' Lou said. ''I was = afraid=20 they would think I was stupid ... It's something you can't say. It = makes=20 you feel like you're nothing.''

A mouse click away

While pornography has always been available in magazines and = movies,=20 the Internet has made it much more accessible. People who may be=20 embarrassed to go to an X-rated theater or step into the adult = room at the=20 local video store now can access page after page of porn in the = privacy of=20 their homes.

Adult film stars are becoming mainstream celebrities and = household=20 names, holding meet-and-greets, autograph signings and photo=20 opportunities.

Porn actress Mary Carey attended a VIP Republican fundraiser in = Washington in mid-March. Another, Jenna Jameson, penned the = best-selling=20 book ''How to Make Love Like a Porn Star'' and hosted a pre-Super = Bowl=20 party in Detroit in February. And a bar in Sanford recently hosted = an=20 event at which fans could have their photos taken with Internet = porn=20 stars.

Interest in porn is age-old and normal, says psychologist David = Greenfield of West Hartford, Conn., an expert on Internet = behaviors, but=20 it can become a destructive obsession for those who indulge in it = at the=20 expense of healthy relationships. Easy availability is part of the = issue.=20

''It's not your father's porn,'' he said. ''With little or no = effort,=20 as long as you have a computer, you can access some of the most=20 stimulating content on the planet.''

Greenfield estimates that for up to 10 percent of porn users,=20 relationships suffer - with many husbands spending so much time = online=20 that they cease to have sex with their wives.

What may begin as curiosity can easily escalate to dependence, = and then=20 obsession and full-blown addiction, said Bay City therapist Kohn. =

''What they're looking for is what I call a mood-altering = situation,''=20 Kohn said.

Men are more likely to become addicted to porn, though women = are not=20 immune, he said.

And clients rarely come to Kohn because they are addicted to=20 pornography. What happens is that a woman who is having marital = problems=20 will visit his office and during counseling, her partner's porn = addiction=20 will come into the picture as an issue, he said.

And Kohn said the problem is escalating, as he's seeing more = and more=20 clients with the problem.

The addiction

Porn may be more pervasive than ever, but activists and experts = disagree over the extent of harm it causes.

Paul Cambria, general counsel for the porn industry's Adult = Freedom=20 Foundation, says pornography is not a problem for the average = person.

For every couple driven apart by porn, Cambria said, there are = others=20 whose relationship is enlivened. He dismisses contentions that = porn is=20 highly addictive or brain-damaging.

Experts on the other side say online porn is as addictive as = crack=20 cocaine.

''The Internet is the perfect delivery system for antisocial = behavior -=20 it's free, it's piped into your house,'' said Mary Anne Layden, a=20 psychologist and addiction expert at the University of = Pennsylvania.

She says many of her patients, rather than improving their sex = lives=20 with porn, suffer sexual dysfunction.

For Ann, her husband's addiction progressed to the point where = he was=20 always on the computer, often sitting in his home office with the = curtains=20 closed, clicking off whenever she walked into the room.

In the end he preferred to be alone in front of the computer = instead of=20 with her.

''It was a lonely feeling, being married and being without = him,'' Ann=20 said.

Mark Laaser of Eden Prairie, Minn., says he frequently sought = out=20 pornography and engaged in extramarital sex for more than 20 = years,=20 starting in college and continuing through a career as pastor and=20 counselor.

He now runs workshops, and consults with church congregations = on the=20 issue.

''I've seen the damage it does to marriages, to families,'' he = said.=20

Though he stressed the need for individual will power, Laaser = also=20 faulted the porn industry for employing aggressive online = technologies=20 that ''besiege you.''

''Sometimes it's not a matter of free will,'' he said. ''It's a = matter=20 of invasion.''

The aftermath

Lou said that before becoming involved in a relationship with a = porn=20 addict, she was outgoing, had friends and dated.

''Sexually, I guess I was as normal as anyone.''

All that is changed now, she said.

''You think less of yourself. You think you're only good for = one thing,=20 and apparently I'm not good at that if pornography has to be the = starting=20 point of everything.''

Now she says she has a ''low trust factor'' and has no interest = in=20 getting into another relationship or even dating.

Kohn said while Lou's reaction is a natural defense mechanism = to keep=20 from being hurt again, it's not healthy.

''Repressing it is no good,'' Kohn said. ''You have to bring it = out and=20 face it to move on.''

Kohn recommends getting counseling, getting involved in a = support group=20 and talking to others who've been through the same thing.

Ann says she hopes one day to be able to get beyond her anger = and=20 hatred.

''Some day I'm hoping that I can forgive him,'' she said.

For the addict themselves, admitting to the problem and being = willing=20 to make an effort to do something about it is the first step, Kohn = said.=20 The person will likely have to seek professional help and attend a = sexual=20 addiction group.

Across America, compulsive porn use has spawned hundreds of = support=20 groups, treatment programs and Web sites where heartbroken spouses = -=20 mostly wives -- swap stories of their mates' obsessions.

In Bay City, the porn addict can find support at Sexual = Addictions=20 Anonymous meetings, but no such support groups exist for the = co-dependent=20 partner.

Lou, who felt such relief after finally talking about her = relationship=20 with a porn addict, is sure that there are many local women in her = shoes=20 and she may start up a support group.

- The Associated Press contributed to this report.